Christmas Blues
by Dark Waffle
Summary: Because for Natsu, Christmas was always blue.


**A/N: In spirit of the Christmas holiday, I give you a short one shot I was suddenly inspired to write! But, it's kind of sad. Just heeding ya'll a warning.**

**Oh, and some spoilers for those of you who haven't caught up with the manga.**

**I don't own _Fairy_ _Tail_ or any of it's contents.**

"Speech"  
_'Thoughts'_  
_"Flashbacks/Dreams"_

_**Christmas Blues**_

**_-O-_**

_"I take his hand, holding on tightly...and dreading_  
_the moment when I will finally have to let go."_  
- Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games

_**-O-**_

It was a joyous time across the land. Bells were ringing, people were singing, and people were giving. Magnolia was very festive with the holiday season and Christmas was one of the cities favorite times of the year. The entire city celebrated with decorations hanging on every door, lights wrapped around every tree, and a merry atmosphere spread to every corner of the city.

Especially within the walls of Magnolia's very own mage guild, Fairy Tail.

Fairy Tail was already a rowdy group of characters, but with the holiday season in tow, the guild had been more aloof and mischievous than usual. Not a mage within Fairy Tail's walls were in despair.

Except for one.

"Oi! Flame brain! Stop being such a grouch and get your ass over here!"

"Flame brain," aka, Natsu Dragneel, was frowning as he growled at his arch enemy, Gray Fullbuster.

"Go bother someone else, Underwear Freak!" He spit back, his mood already in the dumps.

"Oh Natsu. Cheer up. It's Christmas!" The beautiful and elegant Mirajane Strauss said in attempt to cheer up the fire dragon slayer. He gave her a downcast look and turned away, the frown still plastered on his tanned face.

"Exactly." He corrected, his tone dangerously low. She sighed, her smile dropping. She hated seeing Natsu this upset. But she knew that no matter what they did, Natsu was never going to smile on Christmas again.

"Oh come now, Natsu. The snow isn't that bad! You should go try it!" She smiled as she still tried to cheer up the pyromaniac mage.

"Natsu! You are NO MAN if you cannot handle a little snow!" Elfman Strauss interrupted as he pounded his hands down on the bar. "Any man can take the harsh snow! Especially me!"

"Oh ni-chan, leave Natsu alone." This time, the youngest of the Strauss siblings, Lisanna, spoke as she sat next to the pink haired mage. She put a hand on his shoulder in attempt to comfort him.

"Why don't you smile Natsu? You know everyone's not happy until you're laughing with us." the white haired girl gave him a sweet smile, one he did not return.

"I hate the snow and I don't want to smile." He turned away, hoping off the stool, stuffing his hands in his white, baggy slacks. He walked towards a lone table and dropped his chin on the table with an untouchable scowl gracing his face.

The Strauss siblings all looked at each other with sad faces, knowing that Natsu was never going to be able to get over it.

"Natsuuuuu~" Happy called out to him as he flew over to him, landing right on top of his head.

"Natsu, why are you so gloomy?"

As much as Natsu wanted to keep the scowl on his face, he couldn't. At least, not with Happy. Happy was his best pal. So, he dropped his glare and pouted.

"Because I don't like the snow… or Christmas, Happy. You know that." He sighed.

Happy gave a long look at his best friend. Every year since _that_ year, Natsu never would smile during Christmas. He was fine the rest of the 364 days of the year, but on December 25th, Natsu was miserable. And everyone knew why.

But no one dared to bring it up.

"Natsu..." He purred as he comforted him the best he could. Natsu appreciated the sympathy, but he just wanted to be alone.

Blood red eyes watched the pyromaniac as he rubbed the ear of his blue exceed and continued pouting. Iron Dragon Slayer, Gajeel Redfox, watched Natsu with close eyes. He watched as he mulled in his own misery and stayed away from the festivities the other members of the guild were enjoying.

"Gajeel?"

He looked down to see his, ahem, _favorite_, bluenette. She was looking at him with these sad eyes that he really didn't like seeing. She was wearing a simple, red dress with a gold necklace. Her hair was flowing down her shoulders and instead of her normal orange bandana, she was wearing a pink one. And he knew why.

"What's up shorty?" He teased as she puffed her cheeks. He smirked, wanting to ruffle her hair.

"Do you think Natsu will ever be okay?" His smirk fell and he looked back at his fellow dragonslayer.

He didn't think that the Salamander would ever be okay. He would never be the same person he was before her. He would always just be the shell of what use to be Natsu Dragneel. But he couldn't tell her that because she was Levi's best friend also. And as much as it affected Natsu, it affected her as well.

"Are you?" He questioned, trying to turn the conversation around.

She seemed surprised and bit the inside of her cheek, overwhelmed with sudden sadness. She really hated thinking about _that_. It always brought tears to her eyes.

Levi suddenly felt a hand on her head. She looked up to see the red eyes of her boyfriend. He gave her a slight smile. She didn't get much of those. All she really got were smirks and frowns. But when he smiled, it made her feel better.

"Yes, I'm okay."

"Good. Bunny girl would have wanted that."

Levi wiped a tear away, thinking of her best friend. It had been four years since that day. And it never got easier. And the pain was always there. But Gajeel helped and got her through it.

Natsu didn't have anyone who could get him through it because the only person who could was gone. And that destroyed him.

"I really wish we could do something." The wind dragonslayer, Wendy Marvell, commented as she sipped on her hot chocolate. Romeo Conbalt sat next to her, eying the person he looked up to the most.

"What can we do, Wendy? Nothing." Her exceed, Charla, said as she watched Happy try to make Natsu smile, which she knew was not going to happen.

"I know. Every year it gets worse and worse." Romeo added.

"Natsu will _never_ get over it."

Both young teenagers looked up to see Cana Alberon cradling what was probably her tenth barrel of booze. She hiccuped as she pushed her hair back, her face pink from the alcohol.

"Everyone has to-to realize that." She took a swig of the barrel, pushing back her sad thoughts. Everyone knew she was a drunk, so they weren't all too surprised at the amount she drank, but on Christmas, she drank a little more than she normally did to suppress dark, sad thoughts and the memories of her friend.

"Nobody will ever be okay."

The strong voice of one of the most powerful mages in all Fairy Tail spoke as she walked up to the group of magic users. Erza Scarlet, aka, Titania, wore her traditional suite except, her belt was made out of stencil in celebration of the Christmas spirit.

"Erza!" Wendy squeaked.

"Nobody will ever be the same. We were all affected by what happened, even if we were not all there. She was our nakama. We've just moved on, like she would have wanted us too. He hasn't." Erza's strong eyes were on Natsu as she made her speech.

If anybody were to see deep into her eyes, they would see the guilt and regret she hid behind her walls. They would see the tears she didn't let fall. They would see the pain stricken face she didn't let show.

"We shouldn't talk about that. You know how Natsu get's if he hears you talking about her." This time, Gray said as he walked up to Erza and company. He was missing all his clothes except his boxers. But no one bothered saying anything to him because they were just already use to it.

"Yes, Gray-sama. Juvia thinks you are right." The water mage commented as she walked next to the handsome ice mage.

Juvia Lockser didn't even get jealous at the mention of her. Though Juvia considered her a rival, she also considered her a friend. And Juvia missed her friend more than she missed her rival.

Natsu could feel everyone staring and whispering about him. His bad mood was increasing and he wanted to leave, get away. He didn't want to stay here because everyone he looked, he saw her. Everywhere he looked, he could smell her. She was everywhere, yet she wasn't.

She was gone.

She was dead.

Lucy Heartfilia was dead.

And it was all his fault.

He couldn't leave though because he hated the snow. The snow brought back memories of the fateful day, today, four years ago. Everytime he thought about it, his heart broke over and over again. The pain was so unbearable that he would pass out sometimes. Happy would wake him up from his nightmares and he would have tears in his eyes. It just hurt so much all the time. And on Christmas, it was the worst.

He stood up, scaring Happy off his head and headed towards the doors of the guild. He could leave and just stand outside and freeze to death, even though he knew that wasn't going to happen because his body heat was incredibly high.

He inwardly chuckled. He remembered when she followed him into Mt. Hakobu to save Macao. She was really cold and hid inside one of her spirits. God, he missed her. If she was here, she would be complaining about how cold it was and he would grab her close to him and warm her up. His chest began to hurt. He bit down on his lip.

"Salamander."

Called man turned around to see Gajeel standing in behind him. Gajeel was staring at him, well more like glaring at him. Natsu glared back.

"What?"

"Are you going to go see her?"

Natsu stiffened. Of course he was. He always did, even if he hated the snow. He turned away, hiding his face into his scarf.

"I don't want her to be alone."

With that, he walked out of the guild, voices calling out to him. But he ignored them and made his way to the train station. Ever since she died, he had gotten over his motion sickness. His motion sickness made him think of her and how she would always make him settle his head in her lap and would massage him so he could feel better.

The glare on his face scared the few people away on the streets at this time. He trudged through the snow, which melted at every step he took. His fire power had gotten out of control since she died. Every time he was angry, which was a lot lately, fire would just spew from his hands, legs, mouth, anywhere. And sometimes it was so bad, he couldn't control it.

Especially on Christmas.

He passed by her old apartment. His heart would clench every time they walked past it. Since her death, somebody else had moved in and it sickened him. That was Lucy's home. No one else belonged there. He looked up to see the lights on and a Christmas tree shining brightly. He saw a little head running around and then the mother and the father of the child. He turned away nd continued walking as memories of their past adventures filled him.

He finally made it to the train station and caught the last train of the night towards Lucy. He needed to see her, or at least feel her presence. He did this every year since she died. He would begrudgingly make his way towards the train station, go to her old home, and just sit in front of her grave, not caring how cold it would be.

The ride towards her home couldn't have been any slower. When he did arrive, he ran towards the Heartfilia mansion. Luckily for him, there was no snow here. It was just really cold. The icy wind hit him hard as he ran.

When he finally made it to the entrance of the old Heartfilia Mansion, his chest felt like it was caving in on itself. He remembered the time he came to bring Lucy back because they thought she was leaving Fairy Tail forever. Back then, it was wrenching to think of his partner leaving him, but now, it was absolutely devastating knowing that the person he trusted the most was gone. And never coming back.

The mansion was dark and lonely. There was not a light on in the house. The windows were closed shut, the doors nailed shut, the gardens that Lucy would speak of so much were dead, and the gates rusted and old.

She use to talk a lot about the extravagant parties they use to hold in the mansion. She used to say how lively, how wonderful, how fascinating they were. They would light up the entire house and she would never feel alone.

The light was gone and he was all alone now.

His breathing was raspy as he finally made it to her grave stone. She was buried next to her father and mother. They wanted to bury her in Magnolia, in the beautiful, majestic Fairy Tail garden, but he said no. He knew she loved Fairy Tail with everything she had, but if they were going to bury her, it would be with her parents.

_Lucy Heartfilia  
__Fairy Tail Mage  
__Daughter, Friend, Lover  
__Strong as the Wind,  
__Kind as the Sky,  
__May the Fairy Tail Spirit  
__Burn Strong Within You Forever_

Natsu ran his hand down her grave stone and traced the Fairy Tail insignia with his hands. He gripped the edge of her grave stone, but not strong enough to break it. He dropped his head and bit down on his lip as small tears trickled from his eyes.

If he had been faster, quicker, smarter, _stronger_, she would still be here. If he hadn't been so damn insistent of making her go on that mission on Christmas, she would be back at Fairy Tail right now. If he hadn't been so _damn stupid_, she would be laughing with him right now. If he hadn't been so _careless_, she would be filled with excitement on giving him her gift right now.

And they will all just be what if's?

He still remembered it like if it happened yesterday.

If he had made sure the monster was dead, if he hadn't been dicking around, if he hadn't boasted about how great he was, if he had listened to Lucy's cry, if he had _listened_ to Lucy's warning, if he had just listened, Lucy wouldn't be dead.

He insisted on Lucy coming with him on this mission in the snowy mountains because he hadn't been on a mission in almost two weeks and she refused. But he guilt tripped her into going by saying he would give her all the money to pay her rent and she couldn't refuse that offer.

Of course she told him he had to be make sure not to destroy anything so they could get ALL the money. The mission was simple. A monster was devastating a small village in the mountains and they requested Fairy Tail's help. Of course, with it being Christmas and everything, obviously it was snowing, in which Lucy disliked very much. They settled in at the town's local lodge and then went off on their adventure. He and Happy were having a grand time, talking about how the monster was going to be a piece of cake while Lucy warned him not to have a big head. He waved her off and said that he could allow her a Lucy kick, if she wanted.

But instead of looking for the monster, the monster found them. Lucy summoned Loke and he used his dragon slaying magic. This monster had nasty claws and was a nasty looking dog with horrendous teeth and dark fur. But instead of standing on fours, it was upright like a human. It reminded Lucy of a werewolf, just at a much bigger level. It was a good five feet taller than both Natsu and Lucy.

Loke knocked it down and Lucy used her magical whip that he never knew the name of and the pink haired pyromaniac used his infamous Fire Dragon Roar. He then used another one of his signature attacks and thought that was that. He was smug and cocky about defeating the monster, saying how easy it was and that he needed more of a challenge. he boasted to Happy, who was only shaking his head at him.

He totally ignored Lucy's warning about thinking the monster was still alive. He completely ignored her pestering him to make sure it was dead. The blonde went to check herself, but by the time he heard the menacing growl and the sickening crack of bone it was too late. He turned around to come face to face with the disgusting dog creature embedding it's claws into Lucy.

Before he even had a chance to move, he flung Lucy like a rag doll towards a tree, in which she heard her scream. After that, everything went so quick. He ran towards the beast and with blind rage, tore it apart, limb from limb. Once he was done, he ran towards Lucy, who was heaving with pain.

There was so much blood. There was so much snow. There was snow falling from the sky. There was blood _everywhere_.

He pressed down on her wounds and she would wince. She gurgled blood and he panicked. She was getting worse. He tried to stop her bleeding, but it just kept coming. The blood wouldn't stop. The snow wouldn't stop. _Nothing_ was stopping.

He sent Happy for help and he took off, flying as fast as he could. Natsu felt like he was watching her die all over again. He remembered when future Rogue killed her in front of him. He remembered the unbearable pain in his chest.

But this time, it was real. He was sobbing uncontrollably as Lucy withered in his arms, silently crying from the pain. He tried to comfort her, tried to assure her she would be okay.

Then she coughed and clung to his shirt tightly. She looked up at him with fading eyes. He went wide eyed as the light in her eyes was dwindling. He knew he was losing her. He knew she was dying. And there was nothing he could do about it.

He could still remember her final words to him.

_"Nat-Natsu. Keep on living, okay? Go every-ry day with the wonderful sm-smile of yours. Light up the world li-like you did with me. Sh-show every-one who Fairy Tail is. Tr-try not to fight with Gr-Gray too much." She coughed again, clenching his shirt tighter. Her breath becoming more rapid._

_"Ma-make sure Wendy gro-grows up to be a powerful Dragon Sl-Slayer like you. Make sure that block-head Gajeel realizes his feelings for L-Levi. Li-listen to Erza and Master. And don-don't destroy to many buildings on missions."_

_She took a deep breath and her breathing slowed._

_"Be amazing, Natsu. Thank you for helping me find who I really was. Thank you for giving me a chance at finding another family as great as Fairy Tail. Thank you for giving me a second chance. Thank you for the adventures. Thank you for helping me find love. Thank you for bringing me to Fairy Tail." She whispered as she weakly smiled at him with the Fairy Tail symbol facing them._

_"I love Fairy Tail. I love you."_

_And Lucy went limp in his arms, taking her last breath._

_And his world went cold._

He would _never_ forget. It was a reminder of his failures and faults. He hadn't even felt this way when Lisanna "died." But he never felt what he felt towards Lucy for Lisanna.

He loved Lucy. He loved her with all his heart.

And now she was gone.

Just like Igneel.

Everyone he loved left him behind.

And it was all his fault.

"Everyone at Fairy Tail misses you so much. The stripper doesn't say much, but I know he does. Water girl hasn't declared anyone her rival yet. I don't think she can. Metal head and Levi are good, you know? But Levi misses you a lot. Erza is still scary as always, but she misses you. Mira always looks over at the seat you use to sit at at the bar. Nobody ever sits there. If someone does, Mira scares them away."

He paused, wiping some tears away from his eyes. He was sad but he felt close to Lucy here.

"Wendy is getting stronger. Her healing powers are amazing, Luce. You would be so proud of her. Master is taking good care of your keys. Loke has come out a few times, but he never stays long enough because he misses you too much and being around Fairy Tail makes him think of you. Yukino from Sabertooth, you remember her right? She came to Fairy Tail to give her condo-or whatever that name is." He chuckled bitterly, thinking of how stupid he was. Lucy would probably knock him around a few times for his lack of knowledge.

"I told her to take your keys because I know you trust Yukino, but she said no. She said she wouldn't be able to live up to you, Luce. You hear that? You're strong. You always were. People knew that." He felt the burden heavy on his heart.

"I'm so sorry, Lucy." He cried out, punching the floor.

"I miss you so much." He choked out.

"Can't you come back? Can't they see how _good_ you are up there? Can't they see that you deserve to live? Can't they give you back to me? I need you." He whispered that last part.

The wind blew silently. Natsu's hair swayed silently with the wind and it was surprisingly warm. It wasn't cold like it had been. It was warm and gentle. He stood up and looked up towards the sky. The clouds were beginning to disperse and he could see the hew of the midnight dark sky. The stars twinkled brightly.

He smiled slightly.

The stars always made him think of Lucy.

"I hope you're doing good up there."

The wind was back, almost whistling. It was beginning to get cold again. He could feel the frost in the air. He bit down on his lip.

"I'll be back, again."

"I love you, Luce."

_I'm sorry I never got the chance to say it._

"Merry Christmas." He whispered, no matter how painful it was. His heart felt as if it being torn apart.

He then turned away and made his way back to Magnolia. He let a few more tears fall from his eyes before he exited the Heartfilia mansion. He turned backed slightly, enough where he could see Lucy's grave. And his eyes went wide.

He didn't know if he was going delusional or insane, but if his eyes were correct, he could see the outline of his favorite blonde. She was transparent and dressed in a simple, yet beautiful white dress. Her hair was falling freely down her shoulders. She was smiling at him with a loving look in her eyes. She had her hands behind her back and tilted her head.

"Lucy?" He whispered as she turned towards her. He walked closer to this being. Was it a ghost? A figment of his imagination? A dream?

_"Merry Christmas, Natsu. I love you."_

Natsu felt a lump form at the base of his throat. Her voice was still as sweet as it always was. He blinked slightly. And she was gone. He looked around quickly. Up, down, left, right. She was nowhere to be seen.

Was he just seeing things? Did that really happen?

Giving up on this useless search, the pink haired mage turned away, _for good_, this time. He walked out of the Heartfilia Mansion and back towards Magnolia, back towards Fairy Tail.

He didn't know what he saw that night, but it was always etched in his mind. He never bothered to tell anyone, not that anyone would believe him. And time passed and Lucy was still missed, but Natsu knew she was forever living with them.

And every Christmas until the day he took his last breath, he went to visit Lucy so she wouldn't be alone.

**A/N: Well, I totally pulled this out of my butt. I hope you all liked it! Sorry, if someone seemed out of character or something. This is my second attempt at writing a Fairy Tail story. Let me know what you think, yeah? A review would be appreciated. :D**

**Until next time!**

**- Dark Waffle**


End file.
